It's 7.00 am & I've been awake since 5.30am. No particular reason, just awoke with a busy mind, so many thoughts jostling for attention inside of my brain...
Yesterday I woke up feeling down, actually quite tearful & wobbly..... It was the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt disheartened by it & like I'd stepped backwards in the whole "dealing with it" part of the recovery process. I don't really know why I felt so down yesterday, I had no particular reason, no triggering factor, just a wave of emotion that left me feeling angry, frustrated, bored & tearful.......
I'd got up & it was a beautiful day, I'd let my dog out & stood outside my parents cottage. Beautiful blue skies, golden sunshine, lovely warm air, but no wind I thought to myself. There is no wind, sailing would be tough today, most probably a day of bobbing around. It was there before I knew it, before I'd even had a chance to control it. A stomach churning familiar realisation that I wouldn't experience sailing for months to come, maybe not even this year & what about when all of this was over ? Fear set in, what about if my foot didn't fully recover ? What if I couldn't jump about the foredeck like I used to ? What if I couldn't balance on the boat like I used to ? What if, what if & what if ?
I was told by a nurse at the hospital at one of my appointments that there is a grieving process attached to dealing with this sort of injury, it's to be expected apparently. My experience is that there is a cycle of it actually. It's like being on an emotional roundabout. Yesterday to my dismay I felt like I'd gone all the way around & was back at the beginning.
In the beginning I remember after the initial diagnosis by the consultant at the fracture clinic, it was definite shock that I felt, followed rapidly by total denial. Then following the CT scan appointment I dealt with it by asking my stepmum to stop by the local supermarket on our way home & in I went to purchase copious amounts of red wine & cigarettes. We ordered an Indian takeaway, that evening I ate my favourite food, drank far too much red wine & smoked way too many cigaretttes. I completely displaced the situation i was in at the time. I pushed away all of the fears & panic completely to one side. It was almost sheer refusal to accept that this was happening. They must have got it wrong & even if they haven't, well I'm just not going to let this happen to me ! When the red wine got a hold of me, I cried & said things as & when they came into my mind......... Like I'll never run again, well not to get anywhere anyway. I won't be able to wear high heels anymore, how on earth will I look sexy in "special shoes" ? There is no way my boyfriend will fancy me now. The bright & funny intelligent sailing buddy I'd been when I'd met him, was going to disappear. I'd wanted to climb Mt Kilamanjaro for my 40th birthday & now I wouldn't be able to. All of my staple "emotional crutches" were applied that evening. I threw everything at 'it'. From a medical point of view, a big red cross against what I'd done & yes the next morning the guilt crept in. But did I feel any better ? Well I felt relieved for taking the cork out of the bottle so to speak........
I look back on it now & I think all of those worries & reactions I'd initially had were relevant, but were superficial really. Just scraping the surface. The real worries that I should have had like, my job security, ability to do my job long term, walking normally, learning to walk again, looking after myself during the lengthy recovery period, looking after my dog, dealing with the operation didn't even enter my mind at the time. The job situation, I have thought about since, but have I dealt with it ? No I haven't, I've just "shelved" it, along with walking normally & facing up to the possibility that my life will change permanantly following this incident. Denial again possibly or maybe it's just my body's way of preventing overload ? After all how can I face up to & comprehend any of this when I still do not know how much of an impact "the foot" will have, once it has completed it's healing process. Although it may reach a finite level of physical recovery achieved by the surgery, there may be exercises I can do & improvements I can achieve with will power & determination, People overcome greater disabilities all around us with amazing results everyday !
I have accepted that it is beyond my control, what ever permanent injury I may be left with has already happened, it's there at the end of my leg, I just don't know about it yet. It will be, what it will be & when the time comes for my consultant to be able to confirm it, I will then have a tangible situation to work with & will deal with it then.
Yesterday, I pondered on why, after having a couple of good weeks emotionally was I feeling the "old" feelings again. maybe it's because the clock has continued to tick & time has moved on. The end of the initial recovery period is getting nearer. I've spent 54 days in plaster so far & reckon I'm about half way through. The fear of what level of recovery I'm going to make is a real & constant concern. It doesn't go away, it just manifests itself in different guises I think. The worries I had in the beginning are still there. But my dog is being well looked after, along with me. I have managed to look after myself so far, with a few breaks from the healthy regime along the way of course, but none the less I've managed to avoid weight gain with a careful diet. I've been managing to do some exercise. the muscle waste age is happening to my injured leg, but I'm managing it. My toes are now able to move, all of them & my job is secure, for now at least. The swelling has improved & the pain is less. My boyfriend is still around, sure this situation has had an effect on our relationship, but despite my efforts to push him away, he's still here.
So although I did feel lousy yesterday after thinking it all through, I can now see that I have made progress both physically & mentally, but it just takes time. It is a gradual process & you can't hurry through it ticking boxes along the way. It's individual, some people work differently to others & this is just the way that I'm doing it ;)
Yesterday I woke up feeling down, actually quite tearful & wobbly..... It was the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt disheartened by it & like I'd stepped backwards in the whole "dealing with it" part of the recovery process. I don't really know why I felt so down yesterday, I had no particular reason, no triggering factor, just a wave of emotion that left me feeling angry, frustrated, bored & tearful.......
I'd got up & it was a beautiful day, I'd let my dog out & stood outside my parents cottage. Beautiful blue skies, golden sunshine, lovely warm air, but no wind I thought to myself. There is no wind, sailing would be tough today, most probably a day of bobbing around. It was there before I knew it, before I'd even had a chance to control it. A stomach churning familiar realisation that I wouldn't experience sailing for months to come, maybe not even this year & what about when all of this was over ? Fear set in, what about if my foot didn't fully recover ? What if I couldn't jump about the foredeck like I used to ? What if I couldn't balance on the boat like I used to ? What if, what if & what if ?
I was told by a nurse at the hospital at one of my appointments that there is a grieving process attached to dealing with this sort of injury, it's to be expected apparently. My experience is that there is a cycle of it actually. It's like being on an emotional roundabout. Yesterday to my dismay I felt like I'd gone all the way around & was back at the beginning.
In the beginning I remember after the initial diagnosis by the consultant at the fracture clinic, it was definite shock that I felt, followed rapidly by total denial. Then following the CT scan appointment I dealt with it by asking my stepmum to stop by the local supermarket on our way home & in I went to purchase copious amounts of red wine & cigarettes. We ordered an Indian takeaway, that evening I ate my favourite food, drank far too much red wine & smoked way too many cigaretttes. I completely displaced the situation i was in at the time. I pushed away all of the fears & panic completely to one side. It was almost sheer refusal to accept that this was happening. They must have got it wrong & even if they haven't, well I'm just not going to let this happen to me ! When the red wine got a hold of me, I cried & said things as & when they came into my mind......... Like I'll never run again, well not to get anywhere anyway. I won't be able to wear high heels anymore, how on earth will I look sexy in "special shoes" ? There is no way my boyfriend will fancy me now. The bright & funny intelligent sailing buddy I'd been when I'd met him, was going to disappear. I'd wanted to climb Mt Kilamanjaro for my 40th birthday & now I wouldn't be able to. All of my staple "emotional crutches" were applied that evening. I threw everything at 'it'. From a medical point of view, a big red cross against what I'd done & yes the next morning the guilt crept in. But did I feel any better ? Well I felt relieved for taking the cork out of the bottle so to speak........
I look back on it now & I think all of those worries & reactions I'd initially had were relevant, but were superficial really. Just scraping the surface. The real worries that I should have had like, my job security, ability to do my job long term, walking normally, learning to walk again, looking after myself during the lengthy recovery period, looking after my dog, dealing with the operation didn't even enter my mind at the time. The job situation, I have thought about since, but have I dealt with it ? No I haven't, I've just "shelved" it, along with walking normally & facing up to the possibility that my life will change permanantly following this incident. Denial again possibly or maybe it's just my body's way of preventing overload ? After all how can I face up to & comprehend any of this when I still do not know how much of an impact "the foot" will have, once it has completed it's healing process. Although it may reach a finite level of physical recovery achieved by the surgery, there may be exercises I can do & improvements I can achieve with will power & determination, People overcome greater disabilities all around us with amazing results everyday !
I have accepted that it is beyond my control, what ever permanent injury I may be left with has already happened, it's there at the end of my leg, I just don't know about it yet. It will be, what it will be & when the time comes for my consultant to be able to confirm it, I will then have a tangible situation to work with & will deal with it then.
Yesterday, I pondered on why, after having a couple of good weeks emotionally was I feeling the "old" feelings again. maybe it's because the clock has continued to tick & time has moved on. The end of the initial recovery period is getting nearer. I've spent 54 days in plaster so far & reckon I'm about half way through. The fear of what level of recovery I'm going to make is a real & constant concern. It doesn't go away, it just manifests itself in different guises I think. The worries I had in the beginning are still there. But my dog is being well looked after, along with me. I have managed to look after myself so far, with a few breaks from the healthy regime along the way of course, but none the less I've managed to avoid weight gain with a careful diet. I've been managing to do some exercise. the muscle waste age is happening to my injured leg, but I'm managing it. My toes are now able to move, all of them & my job is secure, for now at least. The swelling has improved & the pain is less. My boyfriend is still around, sure this situation has had an effect on our relationship, but despite my efforts to push him away, he's still here.
So although I did feel lousy yesterday after thinking it all through, I can now see that I have made progress both physically & mentally, but it just takes time. It is a gradual process & you can't hurry through it ticking boxes along the way. It's individual, some people work differently to others & this is just the way that I'm doing it ;)
Hi...I grew up on Long Island Sound in New York, but my little sisters learned to sail in Devon, and ended up crewing for races and teaching sailing in High School, so I can connect with your grief about possibly not sailing. But hang on in there. While it's true that there are many different Lisfranc injuries, mine lets me hike, do aikido, and would certainly allow me to sail!
ReplyDeleteThe important things are to:
1. Follow the doctor's orders.If you are told to keep it elevated, do it! It really cuts down on the swelling.
2. Ask lots of questions...can I take the boot off at night, etc. I didn't do that enough!
3. Do your physical therapy. Be creative,and suggest exercises to the therapist. Tell him/her what you need to be able to do at the end. For instance, my therapist had me do most exercises in bare feet, because that's how I work out.
I have added you to my blog,"So You've Got a Lisfranc Injury."