Day 80 Weight bearing- Woohoo !!

I had a really good appointment at the hospital today, for the first time in this recovery process, I finally received some real positive news !
My AP & Lateral X rays looked as good as the consultant would expect at this stage, his words were "You're making a good process in line with what I would expect at this stage".  The fusion (with bone graft) of the 3rd TMT joint is healing well & the plate & screws that are also holding it & the 4th metatarsal will remain permanently in my foot. The 2nd metatarsal which was treated with an open reduction & fixation look like it's healing well, the screw that was put in in place will hopefully be removed along with the fixation plates & screws in the 1st metatarsal. If I continue to make progress at the same rate, I can expect this to happen in about 17 days (July 15th).
After examination of the foot, he was encouraged with the low level of swelling that it presented with.  He wasn't concerned by the swelling I described & the purple appearance "the foot" sometimes adopts he said it was quite normal to experience this after exertion at this stage & I should take it as a sign that I need to rest it whenever it happens. The swelling should always subside after resting, which mostly it does.
I explained to him the problems that I was having with the boot, it was loose & hung awkwardly on my foot rather than supporting or cushioning it. This was causing the bridge of my mid foot to become sore, pins & needles in my toes & irritation of the operation scar.  He explained that he was hoping to get me to start weight bearing using the boot, so we needed to resolve this other wise it would mean transferring back to a cast, which would be a slight regression. So we hopped along to the physiotherapists office to see what her verdict was. After having a look, she explained that the boot was far to loose, following the reduction in swelling over the past 3 weeks. I also still cannot get my ankle & heel to bend into the normal 90 degree position due to stiffness & swelling within the ankle joint. This is also affecting the positioning of my foot within the boot. The physio suggested that we try to inflate the air cushions more to hold my foot in a better position, although it would mean discomfort short term, the long term benefits would be important. After doing this, the boot was a lot tighter, all around my foot & calf, apparently this is how it should have been all along :( I also need to continue with the ankle exercises at home.
Then came the "moment"................. after another nurse was called in for support, I was asked to stand up slowly.............. on both feet ! After much coaching from the physio & lots of instructions I then began to walk, just putting 50% of my weight into my heel. Crikey it felt alien, completely abnormal ! I painstakingly slowly put my crutches out in front of me, then brought my bad foot through, parallel with my crutches, put my weight down into it's heel & then brought my good foot through to meet it. The smile on my face after the first couple of steps was immense ! I even felt emotional, my bottom lip wobbled a bit, I don't mind admitting. The relief was over whelming, at last a real tangible step forward in my recovery process. I also had a lesson in staircase techniques, so hopefully after a bit more practice, I may be able to leave the days of bum shuffling behind me- Yay !
I asked my consultant if I had actually displaced the Lisfranc alignment when I fractured all of the bones that I did, he confirmed that in deed I had & it was by a serious measurement. However If I continue to make the recovery that I currently am, he felt confident that the ligament & tarsometatarsals should heal well. I asked about my prognosis, he confirmed that subject to the good recovery continuing I stand a relatively low chance of developing a debilitating level of arthritis. The good news is that I stand no chance of developing arthritis in my 3rd TMT as I've already had the treatment by having it fused. If I were to present with painful arthritis in the future then he would treat it my fusing the rest of my TMT joints. I feel reassured that it would be treatable & actually if it came to this, well at least I'd still be able to stay relatively active. I have lost some feeling on the inside of my 3rd & 4th toes, my consultant said he couldn't say for sure if this would be permanent, but it shouldn't affect me too much. I also asked if I would be left with a permanent limp, he said that I would have a slightly displaced gait, but after 6 months or so I shouldn't have an obvious limp & should be able to walk relatively normally. It will take a full 12 months or so, before I will reach my full recovery. I should be able to sail again next year, OK so no pirouetting on the foredeck but I WILL be able to balance well enough on both feet to be able to sail.

So I can hopefully look towards the op in July, then around a month later walking in a normal shoe, a few weeks later discarding the crutches & being able to drive sometime in August.
Happy, happy, happy of Royal Tunbridge Wells !!!

Day 78.......... Home at last

Two days ago, on Friday 24th June I finally came home, back to my own split level flat. You may recall, I live in a Victorian conversion, on the second & third floors. So I have a flight of concrete steps to get up to my front door & then another flight of stairs inside to get up to the bathroom & bedrooms.
I went to the supermarket to stock up before my boyfriend left, this time I decided to avoid the wheelchair & opted instead to hop around on my crutches- big mistake ! After the KOL concert the day before, "The foot" complained bitterly about more hopping about & swelled impressively to let me know that I'd overdone it.
After my boyfriend had left, I found myself feeling quite down & isolated. In fact just really insecure about my ability to look after myself & to keep myself staying positive now that I'd be on my own mostly, without transport & that I'd need to look after my dog, Hannah who was due to arrive home the following day.

However, I've been wanting this for weeks & the need to regain some of my independence & for my own space was stronger than the fear. Ridiculous really, I've been living on my own for over 10 years now & am a really strong & resilient character normally. I find it strange that this injury has had this latest effect on me. If I'm honest I have struggled with the immobility & in the first few weeks, the anger & sense of grief that I felt was very strong, but to now feel uncertain about the simple things, such as cooking myself a meal, taking a bath etc on my own, is embarrassing. So on Friday evening, I grasped the bull by the horns & decided I'd attempt a bath. After much planning I managed it, to my relief !
OK it was awkward, having to lift myself in, using my good foot & then twisting around to be able to use my good foot again to support myself when I lifted myself out, but I did it ! Without hurting "The foot"- Yay ! You see, just to make it even more awkward, my bath is on a plinth, which is about 1 1/2 - 2 feet higher than the floor. So negotiating this successfully too was quite tricky.
Box number one- ticked !
Yesterday I managed to cook myself a pizza & today a stir fry, then I administered all of the dog's drugs to her successfully & in the right order :)
Boxes 2 & 3- ticked ! All of a sudden, my self esteem crept up a couple of notches & I now feel that I was right after all, I needed to come home & get on with it, OK so it's all hard work & requires planning & thought (not my strongest attributes) but I'm learning.

So I'm back to hospital on Tuesday, more x-rays & a consultation. I am a bit worried, the foot still swells whenever I hop around for any length of time, it goes purple/blue in the bath & I have had a couple of falls on my crutches recently (on wet surfaces, another hazard !) But it will be what it will be. I don't think I've done any damage, but will feel reassured after the X-rays.

Day 76......... KOL

I'd booked the Tickets to see the Kings of Leon play at Hyde Park before "The foot" happened. So after having to cancel all of this years sailing, holidays, exhibitions abroad I was rather determined that this would be one event that I'd manage to get to.
I had to purchase another two tickets on top of my original two, to allow me to be able to sit within the accessible arena due to Ticket master's refusal to give me a refund, but this was still better than missing out !
So off I went on my big adventure yesterday morning, after a long drive to London, we parked the car in Park avenue underground & we began the hike to Marble Arch. Typically inconvenient, I became in need of the loo ! This is a nightmare, after all concentrating on the ground so as to avoid any slippery obstacles with your crutches, doesn't enable you to hop at any speed :(
I plodded on slow & steadily, as the panic set in, my palms began to sweat- brilliant on plastic crutch handles ! Eventually, after about 25 minutes, we made it to Marble Arch & asked a policeman where the nearest loo was. He suggested we try to cross the road (a major junction in central London !) & use one, in one of the shops. After a bit of crowd dodging & 3 pedestrian crossings were successfully conquered we made it to KFC. Only to find the loos were up 2 huge flights of stairs ! So I gamely began to hop up them, by now my hair is stuck to my head with the sheer exhaustion & panic sweat, & my now very sweaty palms were slipping around precariously on my crutch handles, not a great position to be in !
I got to the top- hurrah !
Bugger !!!!
A long queue for the ladies !
By now even my boyfriend was concerned & sweetly offered to act as bouncer whilst I used the gents.......... just as thought I was about to lose yet another shred of dignity courtesy of the foot I spied a KFC worker out of the corner of my eye.
"Excuse me" i asked in the calmest voice I could muster, " please can you tell me where your disabled toilet is ?" The KFC worker, was a small but impatient oriental lady who carefully surveyed me up & down, looking intently at the perspiration on my forehead, my crutches & of course the foot ! She muttered something that I couldn't understand & gestured downstairs ;(
So I picked my way back down the two flights of stairs & followed her to the back of the restaurant where she did, after one more scrutiny of the foot, unlock the disabled loo- Bingo !!!!

So normality resumed, I was now pretty tired, shoulders hurt, foot was swelling, protesting at the hike & bumping around, so we made our way back to Marble Arch, where I sat & recharged my flagging arms. We were waiting for two friends to join us, one of which was a Canadian, with a knack for hunting down Knights in Shining armour I discovered later.

Our friends arrived & we started to make our way into Hyde Park, after about 20 minutes, my left palm began to hurt, I stopped & looked, not only had I developed an impressive blister, it had just burst ! I carried on a few minutes longer, my friends by now were getting a little concerned. The pain from the blister was beginning to cause a problem all of its own- off setting my balance ! Our Canadian friend decided, action was what was required & set off stridently across the park in search of a St Johns ambulance. She struck gold ! We found a couple of policemen in a patrol van who were only too happy to unpack their first aid kit & bandage up the offending blister with enough wadding to ensure I'd not only be protected, but look like I'd done something far greater to it than the hard earned blister. The care & attention they were taking over the task in hand did make me feel just a little bit special- haha !
Whilst the policemen were concentrating on my hand, our Canadian friend decided more help was need & once again strode off purposefully across the park...................

I couldn't believe it ! She'd pulled it off again !
As she walked towards me I could see she was being followed............ by "Pablo" a park keeper, who was driving a golf buggy !
Pablo kindly piled me, the foot, the hand & my crutches into his golf buggy & after telling my friends he would look after me until they caught us up, he put his foot to the floor, heading in the direction of the gate to the disabled access area.
Great fun!
By now, yes I did have to concede slightly that having "the Foot" sometimes had a few advantages.

Friends caught up, we entered the gate & wow ! The disabled area was not only seated with plenty of room for me & the foot to have our own chairs, it had it's own disabled loos ! No lengthy muddy queues for me- Wahoo ! It also was on a staged area, not too far from the stage & above the crowds. Drawback was, only one friend could accompany me in as a carer :)
I had a great evening, in relative comfort & worth the struggle. It was by far the best evening I've had in 76 days !

Foot still protesting today with swelling & of course the inevitable pain that goes with it, but it was soooo worth it :)

Two heads or invisible ?

I was genuinely quite surprised at other people's behaviour  during my first couple of weeks on crutches....
I found most, don't give way to you (I'm not saying that they should have to, but ?), in fact on more than one occasion I've found myself actually hobbling around them. They push past, to get past me, or worse then are the ones who race up behind you & then huff & puff irritably because you aren't going quickly enough.
Then there's the doors when you go into places, a few have seen me coming & held them open for me, but the majority don't. I have struggled & wobbled precariously to get doors open & then get through them, whilst people just watch or stare ! Or I've been following someone into the loo or shop & the person in front has just left the door to swing shut, without looking to see who is coming behind them. I've become a bit of a dab hand using my crutches like a door stop over the past couple of months after narrowly missing a broken nose !

My theory is somehow, when you are out & about on your crutches it's like you've put on an invisibility cloak or something. You do quite literally become invisible to some people I think.

The other funny thing was, I recently used a wheel chair to get around a supermarket with my step mum & the way that other people behaved then was hilarious. They stopped & stared at me, quite openly & brazenly, like I had two heads or something ! But did any of them care about how embarrassed they were making me feel, no of course they didn't. It was almost as though because I had something wrong that warranted me having to be in that wheelchair, it gave them a license to do it !
Did they speak to me ? No of course not.  You don't have a voice if you're in a wheelchair I found my self thinking. When I got to the checkout with my step mum, the cashier actually ignored my attempts to pay her using my debit card! It was like she couldn't see me, but she could & I knew that she could.

I really couldn't believe in this day & age there are still so many prejudiced people walking around.
I also thought to myself how glad I was that this wasn't a permanent state that I was in, I felt lucky because eventually I will be able to walk around, the poor souls who are disabled permanently can't. They have to face this kind of stuff every single day of their lives I suspect. I was always brought up not to stare at people, my dad always told me off in fact if he caught me !
I think an experience like this type of injury really gives you an insight into how much more challenging life becomes with a disability.

So after 10 weeks of staying with my parents & having quite a bit of help from them, I am going home later this week, to try to give it a go on my own & in my own home. It's a little daunting, my house is far from accessible & I'll need to change a few things around. It's not going to be easy physically, that I know. But I think what is more daunting is the prospect of spending so much time on my own, after the pretty much constant company I've been having. Of course people will come & visit me, but not every day or each weekend. I'm going to be spending a lot more time by myself & before 'the foot' I was happy enough in my own company, but it was my choice then. If I wanted company I'd simply go out & get in the car & go & find some. When I return home this time, I can't. So I will be entirely reliant on other peoples timetables & their choice of when/if to come & see me.
Although I live in a town, walking into the centre on my own & on crutches is a terrifying prospect. Before 'the foot' I always walked the mile or so into town. I can't see me managing it at the moment. I know I can get cabs to the hospital & can use the home delivery services that most major supermarkets offer for food shopping, but I'll be quite reliant on prepared 'ready meals' I think. I'll need to get a home help or cleaner I've realised, my house is quite small & certainly not palatial, but I won't be able to use the washing machine on my own, hang my laundry out, hoover my carpets, wash my floors, iron my clothes etc. Then there's things like putting my dustbin's out on bin day, impossible at the moment !
The list goes on in my mind at the moment.
There's also my lovely dog, Hannah. I can't walk her whilst I'm still on crutches. I have a little tiny bit of a garden at home, but it's down steep concrete steps, she has cataracts so her vision is quite impaired & just letting her out there to go to the loo won't work. I can't clean up after her whilst I'm on crutches & certainly won't be confident about going down the steps to call her in at night. I wouldn't be able to help her at all should she take a tumble down the stairs, which worries me. So I'm hoping that my parents might keep hold of her for another few weeks, perhaps until I can at least weight bear.


I know that I've still got at least a couple more months of being on crutches & still quite a lengthy recovery beyond those, so I just think it's about time I got myself home & got on with looking after myself, with the foot !

K wire gone & Aircast boot fitted

Well I finally managed to see some x-rays, they are post surgery, actually the ones that were taken a few weeks back, but it helps to see what was actually inserted into my foot. Quite a clever bit of hi tech carpentry really, I thought it was incredible that they'd managed to fit so much into such a small area & fix them all to such small bones.
The K wire removal wasn't too bad, a couple of deep breaths, a good pull & it was done. The worst bit was looking at it afterwards (I wouldn't recommend you do this unless you have quite a strong stomach). So I then met with a physio, who fitted me with an aircast boot. I still can't weight bear apparently, but I do have some gentle ankle exercises to do, to try to improve the flexibility in my ankle & also to stretch the muscles & tendons in my heel & back of my leg. At the moment my heel doesn't sit down in the boot as the muscles & tendons have shrunk. But the physio assured me if I do the exercises on a daily basis this will help. I've also been doing some other exercises which a physio suggested to me after the operation. Although none weight bearing, I'm convinced that they've been quite crucial in slowing down the muscle wastage in my upper leg & bum ! I've been trying to do them most days & actually the bit of extra weight given by boots & casts has helped by providing a little extra resistance I think.
After a few days of adjusting to the aircast boot & changing the surgical dressings I feel quite positive. The scar doesn't appear to be as bad as I'd feared & in a few days I should actually be able to have a bath.... with my foot :)
 I've also recently started using my parents neighbour's multigym a few times a week, to tone & strengthen my upper body mainly. It's not exactly been an adrenaline pumping activity, but it's helped I'm sure. One of my biggest concerns about the amount of time I was going to be immobilised for, was the effect it might have on my body & posture. So just by stretching muscles & lying on the bed to exercise for a little while every day it looks as though, so far, there's not been any noticeable change. I can now wiggle all five toes too ( I know I've mentioned this previously but I am so genuinely relieved that they do !), there is a little bit of numbness still in some of my toes but the important thing is that they move. Oh & I weighed myself today & I weigh about the same as I did when I had the op, yippee ! I  didn't want the problem of additional weight to try to lose or make my poor foot bear after I've gone through this process. Small positives, but it all helps !

It was my step mother's 50th birthday recently, so to celebrate we held a Mardi Gras themed birthday party for her last weekend. Despite the weather it went well, all enjoyed the food & copious amounts of alcohol that were on offer. Chicken jambalya, vegetable gumbo, red beans & rice & king cake were on the menu. Everyone made a fantastic effort with their masks, god knows what the passers by must have thought. Their house is up a remote hill in the Forest of Dean you see & the entire garden & garage was decked out with purple, green & gold decorations, so this along with an assortment of masquerade mask wearing people in the front garden, I should think it caused a few second looks !
Despite the boot, after a few too many glasses of wine I even managed to boogie on down with my dad to a bit of reggae. On crutches of course & perhaps not entirely keeping to the rhythm but I had a go & it was a laugh !

Around & around .....................

It's 7.00 am & I've been awake since 5.30am. No particular reason, just awoke with a busy mind, so many thoughts jostling for attention inside of my brain...

Yesterday I woke up feeling down, actually quite tearful & wobbly..... It was the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt disheartened by it  & like I'd stepped backwards in the whole "dealing with it" part of the recovery process. I don't really know why I felt so down yesterday, I had no particular reason, no triggering factor, just a wave of emotion that left me feeling angry, frustrated, bored & tearful.......
I'd got up & it was a beautiful day, I'd let my dog out & stood outside my parents cottage. Beautiful blue skies, golden sunshine, lovely warm air, but no wind I thought to myself. There is no wind, sailing would be tough today, most probably a day of bobbing around. It was there before I knew it, before I'd even had a chance to control it. A stomach churning familiar realisation that I wouldn't experience sailing for months to come, maybe not even this year & what about when all of this was over ? Fear set in, what about if my foot didn't fully recover ? What if I couldn't jump about the foredeck like I used to ? What if I couldn't balance on the boat like I used to ? What if, what if & what if ?
I was told by a nurse at the hospital at one of my appointments that there is a grieving process attached to dealing with this sort of injury, it's to be expected apparently. My experience is that there is a cycle of it actually. It's like being on an emotional roundabout. Yesterday to my dismay I felt like I'd gone all the way around & was back at the beginning.

In the beginning I remember after the initial diagnosis by the consultant at the fracture clinic, it was definite shock that I felt, followed rapidly by total denial. Then following the CT scan appointment I dealt with it by asking my stepmum to stop by the local supermarket on our way home & in I went to purchase copious amounts of red wine & cigarettes. We ordered an Indian takeaway, that evening I ate my favourite food, drank far too much red wine & smoked way too many cigaretttes. I completely displaced the situation i was in at the time. I pushed away all of the fears & panic completely to one side. It was almost sheer refusal to accept that this was happening. They must have got it wrong & even if they haven't, well I'm just not going to let this happen to me ! When the red wine got a hold of me, I cried & said things as & when they came into my mind......... Like I'll never run again, well not to get anywhere anyway. I won't be able to wear high heels anymore, how on earth will I look sexy in "special shoes" ? There is no way my boyfriend will fancy me now. The bright & funny intelligent sailing buddy I'd been when I'd met him, was going to disappear. I'd wanted to climb Mt Kilamanjaro for my 40th birthday & now I wouldn't be able to. All of my staple "emotional crutches" were applied that evening. I threw everything at 'it'. From a medical point of view, a big red cross against what I'd done & yes the next morning the guilt crept in. But did I feel any better ? Well I felt relieved for taking the cork out of the bottle so to speak........

I look back on it now & I think all of those worries & reactions I'd initially had were relevant, but were superficial really. Just scraping the surface. The real worries that I should have had like, my job security, ability to do my job long term, walking normally, learning to walk again, looking after myself during the lengthy recovery period, looking after my dog, dealing with the operation didn't even enter my mind at the time. The job situation, I have thought about since, but have I dealt with it ? No I haven't, I've just "shelved" it, along with walking normally & facing up to the possibility that my life will change permanantly following this incident. Denial again possibly or maybe it's just my body's way of preventing overload ? After all how can I face up to & comprehend any of this when I still do not know how much of an impact "the foot" will have, once it has completed it's healing process. Although it may reach a finite level of physical recovery achieved by the surgery, there may be exercises I can do & improvements I can achieve with will power & determination, People overcome greater disabilities all around us with amazing results everyday !
I have accepted that it is beyond my control, what ever permanent injury I may be left with has already happened, it's there at the end of my leg, I just don't know about it yet. It will be, what it will be & when the time comes for my consultant to be able to confirm it, I will then have a tangible situation to work with & will deal with it then.

Yesterday, I pondered on why, after having a couple of good weeks emotionally was I feeling the "old" feelings again. maybe it's because the clock has continued to tick & time has moved on. The end of the initial recovery period is getting nearer. I've spent 54 days in plaster so far & reckon I'm about half way through. The fear of what level of recovery I'm going to make is a real & constant concern. It doesn't go away, it just manifests itself in different guises I think. The worries I had in the beginning are still there. But my dog is being well looked after, along with me. I have managed to look after myself so far, with a few breaks from the healthy regime along the way of course, but none the less I've managed to avoid weight gain with a careful diet. I've been managing to do some exercise. the muscle waste age is happening to my injured leg, but I'm managing it. My toes are now able to move, all of them & my job is secure, for now at least. The swelling has improved & the pain is less. My boyfriend is still around, sure this situation has had an effect on our relationship, but despite my efforts to push him away, he's still here.

So although I did feel lousy yesterday after thinking it all through, I can now see that I have made progress both physically & mentally, but it just takes time. It is a gradual process & you can't hurry through it ticking boxes along the way. It's individual, some people work differently to others & this is just the way that I'm doing it ;)